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I SALUTE YOU KRIS AQUINO, FOR NEVER SHUTTING THE FUCK UP

 

Kris Aquino has a lot of shit floating around her life, mostly coming from her own stupid mouth. But amidst all the publicly-open relationship dramas she’s had, amidst all the shit she’s done recently, and amidst her brother actually being the President of the damn country. Kris Aquino never stopped being her own stupid, shitty self. And for that Ms. Aquino, I salute you!

I salute you for having absolutely no dignity at all. Blowing up every detail of your scandalous affairs with various men is truly an act so classless, no human being in their right mind would do it! But you’re not just any proper human being are you Kris? When you resort to crying and sobbing on national TV to win a domestic argument, I guess you’re pretty special. 

I salute you for being the most un-humble person of all time. Yes, I’ve done my research, you are totally up there with the greats, someday they’ll induct you into the hall of fame. People will recall you proclaimed yourself to be the “Oprah Winfrey of the Philippines” in what’s supposedly an interview with Oscar winner, Jamie Foxx. But no one will ever forget, that classic braggy move of admitting you haven’t had sex in a loooooooooooong time. That was the Mona Lisa of attention-seeking, you have to be proud of yourself and your well-rested vagina.

I salute you for being a terrible role model. You have touched so much generations and you taught us all one very important lesson. Being a talentless, whiny, tactless, irritating, egomaniac bimbo with obvious psychological issues shouldn’t stop you from being successful! All you have to do is have an iconic surname, and a “will-do-anything” attitude, you’re good to go!

I salute you Kris for being an overall bad Filipino. Thank you for misrepresenting your country! Thank you for setting the bar soooooooo ridiculously LOW. When foreigners see you, it will take absolutely no effort for me, to make a good impression on them. By default, every Filipino is a saint compared to you!

You are one of a kind Kris Aquino. You are a person who has every single terrible human trait below “genocidal and “rape-y”. You make my life simple by being a concrete example of something I should totally avoid. Every time I feel depressed and sad about my mediocre life, I turn on the TV, I look at you, and I simply tell myself: “Hey, at least I’m not Kris Aquino!”

PS. this piece was written after seeing a lot of Kris Aquino videos, so it was typed on my laptop in a state of furious RAGE. So please, don’t mind the typos, terrible diction, and grammatical errors hahaha.

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This entry was posted on May 3, 2014 by .
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